Monday, December 01, 2003 :::
This has to stop.
I have to get out of Studios.
I need the sleep.
I have to stop thinking about it.
I have to stop letting whatever happens in studios affect my emotional state so much.
I need the sleep.
I need to be rational.
I need to be out of there.
I love the work.
I love doing whatever related to student filmmaking, and studios remains the best chance of that ever happening.
But i cannot
cannot
let it go
can I
What happen back in the 1st year.
It has to stop.
I made fast friends with 2 girls
shot the bat out of hell with the first in the matter or weeks
and killed the other slower and more painfully in a year.
And now i can't live there.
Bearing the burden of guilt and shame and regret and NEED!!!!!!!!!! the fucking needy whininess of it all.
This is not good.
I can't take it.
I have to leave,
But i can't.
I can't bring myself to walk away,
which is weaker, walking away and not facing the problem,
or each and every day walking in with my head held up as high as possible
hoping, HOPING HOPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that it'll get better.
and it not.
I have to stop this.
::: posted by whatever at 11:32 AM
Playing on winamp right now: Michelle Branch - Find my way back to you (Hotel Paper)
Today, I just found out that two of my friends have gotten attached to one another. Hmmm, Finally. Yay, those two were in the making, their compatibility off the charts in one of those online quizes. Inevitable, or perhaps, as much as anyone would wish it upon them. I'm really happy for them. I love them both and wish them happily onwards with whatever life they choose to lead.
I promise myself sometime when i started this blog that i won't use it too much as a carthatic ideal whining about my own shit life the way every other blogger does it, that way, it serves no purpose other than to stroke my own self-absorbed narcisstic ego about my own thoughts.
But this is my blog.
Playing on winamp now: Feeder - Helium (Comfort in Soung)
I'm really happy for them
But once again, I'm not happy for myself.
Heh, studios.
There is the place where i had put my passion ahead of my judgement.
My heart ahead of my head.
And got resoundingly stomped upon.
Repeatedly.
I cannot walk in there without feeling this immense sense of regret and loss, and its a burden i no longer wish to bear.
Seeing my two friends, both of which are close because of Studios makes me happy for them.
But it reminds me of the mistakes i made when i was there.
And my inability to go back again.
It's selfish of me. maybe.
to turn this event into another mope marathon.
But this is my blog.
Playing on winamp now: Smashing pumpkins - Quiet (Siamese Dreams)
So i called Aiwei.
Oldest and closest.
Part of the posse.
The closest of the close.
And i felt bad about that too.
Why does she deserve to hear me rant and ramble and launch into another self-absorbed whine about nothing at all.
Why should she feel the burden of my regret, loss and inability to cope with humankind?
She shouldn't.
She shouldn't at all, she has her own stuff to worry about.
And BK, too.
Old friends.......
Nothing in the world can ever replace whatever it is that these close friends represent to you in your life.
If ever, never ever do these people wrong.
They will save your soul.
I shouldn't even mention them here.
But this is my Blog
Playing on winamp now: The Pillows - She is perfect (FLCL OST)
Hello irony.
This song came up just as i was about to write about Kris.
She isn't, no one ever is.
I'm barely near normal.
Yet i still have feelings for her.
We'll never get together again, ruined chances and all.
I still keep wondering why she decided one day out of the blue to just stop talking to me.
Not a word, and her decision was made, and i was out.
Me.
Me.
Me.
I'm a broken record.
But this is my Blog.
Playing on winamp now: Paula Cole - Me (Climb against the odds)
HAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING IRONY!!!!!
times like this i really truly believe in God.
Only he would have this much of a sense of humour.
Winamp on shuffle, runs through a 4 gig list of songs and it comes up with this.
This,
Jesus.
But upon hearing the lyrics, this one is uplifting.
for everyone's benefit.
I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave
CHORUS:
And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground
Chorus
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love
I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know
That I love
But it's me
And it's me
But it's me
Her song.
But my Blog.
Playing on winamp right now: Jars of Clay - Crazy Love (White elephant sessions)
My winamp has been possessed by an angel of God.
Or a devil with a sadistic streak.
Help us all.
Moving on.
I still have this crush on this girl, knowing full well she and i will never have a hope or a chance in any lifetime. Her being her and me being me.
Viet girl and I still do this odd dance where I'm not sure what the hell she is doing. Yeah she's nice and sweet and utterly sadistic; but we have difficulty communicating. Repeated sentences and half-finished thoughts. Otherwise, the truth is, I'm not interested in her as anything other than a friend.
Life moves on.
But i still have feelings for Kris.
This is my blog.
This will be one of the few whingfest. Enjoy.
Tomorrow, it's back to headachy english, bombastic vocabulary and stylistic use of grammar
enjoy
Carthasis.
Playing on winamp now: Stan Getz - Life Latin Instrumentation Experiment.
My cue to sign off.
::: posted by whatever at 8:36 AM
