Tuesday, January 13, 2004 :::
Welcome to the whine.
Kris and Alex sitting in a tree.
and whatsoever happens, happens away from here.
I can't seem to fault the fact that yes, those two are compatible to each other, far more than i ever was to her anyway.
I'm wondering if this is a good thing.
The self-absorbed thing would be to say; when is it my turn. WHEN?
The cliche answer given is always; it'll come when you least expect it.
Cept that doesn't really work for me.
Since i expect everthing.
I'm like the living embodiment of the self-fulfilling prophecy of doom.
Bad things happen to me when i don't expect them
while good things don't cos i always expect them.
Say would say cos i think i deserve them.
Sometimes, i'm a little hard-pressed to argue that statement.
Other, and the majority of the time, I'm wondering if im putting in enough work to actually get the good thing.
ow do i feel about this?
For now, let's assume i feel this way and this might change as time progress.
I wish them well.
As long as i remain the best of friends with her.
I wish them well.
that's all i ask for now.
And perhaps one thing more, but i shan't write that down.
::: posted by whatever at 10:38 AM
Wednesday, January 07, 2004 :::
Blah blah blah
Met a Korean Kanadian (Paul) and a Dane (Yan) today,
so got sidetracked from doing actual work.
Pretty nice conversation in which we started trading racial jokes, thought not as badly as it sounds.
Also, had lots to talk about Canadian Culture, (there is no one canadian culture, but many) and Danish Culture, (co-habitation seems to be a rule there, and also, oddly enough, families.) Canadian lifestyle, Danish lifestyle.
Ivan seemed very able to talk, in fact, he was damn good at initiatin conversation and asking the right questions.
Note have been taken, mentally of course.
Back to your regularly scheduled program:
Playing on winamp now: A Perfect Circle - The Hollow (Mer de Noms)
Seemingly endless depths can be mistaken for the abyss of the mind. We lack a certain something, culture, identity, what? Anything. We appropiate what we can with our lack of history and our very short memories. After all, the monsters can find us if we forget about them right? Flawed logic, workaround. Lasting impression i get is that as a person, I don't know anything of worth at all. I'm ignorant as fuck. And reading only does so much. Time to ask the right question.
Playing on winamp now: The Pillows - Juliet (Ride on a Shooting Star)
How many times have these guys appeared. Pointing out again that you have not seen a proper anime until you have seen FCLC. No way, no how. The best anime, in terms of style, humour, that strange almost impossible mix of music and mayhem. No other anime seems to have their soundtrack just made for the show. The Pillows Rock. The song plays on. Random thoughts headchecked through spellcheckers dancing fruit juices because their last known lives were as maltese pigeons pecking at the last political leaders of a defunct eastern bloc nation, now devolved into an almagam of MacDonald's, Starbucks and Nike duchies. Long live globalization.
Playing on Winamp now: Manitoba - People Eating fruit (Up in flames)
Hello electronica. Goodbye sparklehorse. Yo, Linkous, you have been usurped by guys who don't actively try to end their lives every so often and actually attempt to make some good music. Backbeats hynoptize furry animals into homicidal killing machines, assaulting first mimes and gun owners. Dangerous times these. Dangerous times are coming. Nothing safe to make fun of anymore, save right wingers, literalist, fundamentalist religious types, anal-retentive freaks (plenty of those in singapore) and the perennial never out of style losers. They're like a sustainable crop, or whatever that geographical term was, my last few months in university have seen a decrease in my actual knowledge of the world. Complaceny leads to the dark side.
Playing in winamp now: Telepopmusick - Breathe (Some Advertisement)
Advertisement music. breathe. A long rant about hall people and how i feel about them TRULY!!!!!!!!! in times to come.
Let the floodgates flow open,
but first
a few wrench here and there.
Adios.
::: posted by whatever at 12:03 PM
Tuesday, December 23, 2003 :::
Playing on winamp now: Black Eyed Peas - Where is the Love (Elephunk)
Rappers getting down with the phat beat in succession, layong out the truth, har and cold, unrelenting, witty, no shitty. Children running across Israeli bombed cities, a plaestinian stares dead-eyed at a rolling tank down her once standing bakery. Inner city kids beat each other up for a pair of nikes, or a tommy hilfiger jeans. And six thousand chinese die to AIDs, even after the government admitted they have aproblem.
Playing on winamp now: Avril Lavigne - Things I'll never say (Take That)
Power pop punk princess. Running and gunning fun for the kiddies, masses of happiness and laughter. No need for the angst, just the song and the mass marketing. Little heart? Perhaps. Spotlight, turning head, left, right, left. Kids run around behind her, fast, slow, couples watch a movie, dance in the candlelight, gaze lovingly into another's eyes. And the song goes on.
Teen movie.
Playing on winamp now: U2 - with or without you. (Live)
A rose focuses in, dreaming slightly of lost love. Clouds drifts, a boat slowlt pulls out of the harbour. A man stares out the window, another writes a letter, the last one just strums his guitar. Rainfall beats louder than your heart, and people wish. And they wish harder and harder and harder. The band plays on.
Playing in winamp now: They might be Giants - Boss of me (Malcolm in the middle OST)
Young kids getting bullied, lunch gettting spit on, beaten, dodged balled. Father yells, mother screams, dogs poos on his shoes. Kids looks sad, pines for a girl. Simple. Repeat the plastercine images, stereotyped into oblivion. Next up, kids getting back at one another. Malcolm in the middle.
Playing on winamp now: Kyoto Jazz Massive - Bossa free
Dancers. It's hard to come up with something for this kind of breezy fun. Saxophones and pianos dance lithely, cut to samba masters and lindy hoppers, mixing and matching their partners with ease. Panel out and in, Concert style.
Playing on winamp now: Manitoba - Bijoux (Up in Flames)
Dead eyed warrior priest stares forlornly at you, a lone tree atop a hill pans out. Clouds flie pass. Throngs of kids walk pass, each holding a lantern, chanting. A desert fly-by, deers running. tribal dances. The warrior priest pulls out. School of fishes swim by, flying fishes. Flocks of birds migrate. Swing through the forests, Towering mesas, up close and personal, far away and isolated. A dingo pops his head out of his hole. The warrior priest tai-chis. Another fights the bear, red in tooth and claw.
Need more music on my Comp.
Things to download.
Dishwalla
Ween
Utada Hikaru
UFO
more to come.
::: posted by whatever at 8:51 AM
Tuesday, December 09, 2003 :::
Heh,
it didn't take long for this place to devolve into some manic self-absorbed whine about the troubles of my life.
Wakka wakka wakka.
That sucked, but hey. Who reads this shit anyway. *waves hi to those who do*
Anyway, the decision has been made.
I'm leaving studios; though i don't really want to.
Especially when i think i have come up with ways.
Especially now when i've come up with a new initiative or policy or whatever terms it is admin types use to justify their bloated importance.
I keep trying to find reasons to stay, but
nah.
After talking to Wei, (love that girl BTW).
I have to leave.
Have to go.
The emotional state that affects me there hinders whatever good i can contribute should i never have involved myself in what passed for some stupid ideal of a relationship.
DUMBASS!!!!!!!!
that be me.
In any case,
It's highly possible to take SSF further, judging from the way its going.
Sorry for not being more help to them, but i haven't had the time.
And studios deserves some form of proper parting.
Studios has a deep problem, that is the fact that the creative ones rarely stay.
Robert
Alex
Bryan
B.Thiam
Agnes
CG
SONG
Kenny
(This being MY blog, i want to add my name to the list)
while the ones without talent remain behind with far too much responsibilty.
(this being anybody's else's blog, my name would be added to this list.)
It's sad.
Another of its problems is that it takes months, MONTHS!!!!!!!!!! to get a film made. Event coverage takes months to edit. Which i honestly don't see why it should.
SMG does numerous videos in the span of a month, not to mention coverage and whatnot.
Sure they have the people.
But technically so does Studios.
Identifying the problem is harder.
Is it leadership?
could very well be.
Is it commitment?
Always has been.
Is it ability, talent, creativity?
Open to question here.
Is it the lack of freedom?
undoubtably possible.
Is it non-communication?
Definitely.
No communication between members.
Forum stands empty save for the hollow yells of a horse, a bard, a bugger, a chow, a humu and a grace.
it's so fucking disappointing.
::: posted by whatever at 11:42 AM
Monday, December 01, 2003 :::
This has to stop.
I have to get out of Studios.
I need the sleep.
I have to stop thinking about it.
I have to stop letting whatever happens in studios affect my emotional state so much.
I need the sleep.
I need to be rational.
I need to be out of there.
I love the work.
I love doing whatever related to student filmmaking, and studios remains the best chance of that ever happening.
But i cannot
cannot
let it go
can I
What happen back in the 1st year.
It has to stop.
I made fast friends with 2 girls
shot the bat out of hell with the first in the matter or weeks
and killed the other slower and more painfully in a year.
And now i can't live there.
Bearing the burden of guilt and shame and regret and NEED!!!!!!!!!! the fucking needy whininess of it all.
This is not good.
I can't take it.
I have to leave,
But i can't.
I can't bring myself to walk away,
which is weaker, walking away and not facing the problem,
or each and every day walking in with my head held up as high as possible
hoping, HOPING HOPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that it'll get better.
and it not.
I have to stop this.
::: posted by whatever at 11:32 AM
Playing on winamp right now: Michelle Branch - Find my way back to you (Hotel Paper)
Today, I just found out that two of my friends have gotten attached to one another. Hmmm, Finally. Yay, those two were in the making, their compatibility off the charts in one of those online quizes. Inevitable, or perhaps, as much as anyone would wish it upon them. I'm really happy for them. I love them both and wish them happily onwards with whatever life they choose to lead.
I promise myself sometime when i started this blog that i won't use it too much as a carthatic ideal whining about my own shit life the way every other blogger does it, that way, it serves no purpose other than to stroke my own self-absorbed narcisstic ego about my own thoughts.
But this is my blog.
Playing on winamp now: Feeder - Helium (Comfort in Soung)
I'm really happy for them
But once again, I'm not happy for myself.
Heh, studios.
There is the place where i had put my passion ahead of my judgement.
My heart ahead of my head.
And got resoundingly stomped upon.
Repeatedly.
I cannot walk in there without feeling this immense sense of regret and loss, and its a burden i no longer wish to bear.
Seeing my two friends, both of which are close because of Studios makes me happy for them.
But it reminds me of the mistakes i made when i was there.
And my inability to go back again.
It's selfish of me. maybe.
to turn this event into another mope marathon.
But this is my blog.
Playing on winamp now: Smashing pumpkins - Quiet (Siamese Dreams)
So i called Aiwei.
Oldest and closest.
Part of the posse.
The closest of the close.
And i felt bad about that too.
Why does she deserve to hear me rant and ramble and launch into another self-absorbed whine about nothing at all.
Why should she feel the burden of my regret, loss and inability to cope with humankind?
She shouldn't.
She shouldn't at all, she has her own stuff to worry about.
And BK, too.
Old friends.......
Nothing in the world can ever replace whatever it is that these close friends represent to you in your life.
If ever, never ever do these people wrong.
They will save your soul.
I shouldn't even mention them here.
But this is my Blog
Playing on winamp now: The Pillows - She is perfect (FLCL OST)
Hello irony.
This song came up just as i was about to write about Kris.
She isn't, no one ever is.
I'm barely near normal.
Yet i still have feelings for her.
We'll never get together again, ruined chances and all.
I still keep wondering why she decided one day out of the blue to just stop talking to me.
Not a word, and her decision was made, and i was out.
Me.
Me.
Me.
I'm a broken record.
But this is my Blog.
Playing on winamp now: Paula Cole - Me (Climb against the odds)
HAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING IRONY!!!!!
times like this i really truly believe in God.
Only he would have this much of a sense of humour.
Winamp on shuffle, runs through a 4 gig list of songs and it comes up with this.
This,
Jesus.
But upon hearing the lyrics, this one is uplifting.
for everyone's benefit.
I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave
CHORUS:
And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground
Chorus
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love
I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know
That I love
But it's me
And it's me
But it's me
Her song.
But my Blog.
Playing on winamp right now: Jars of Clay - Crazy Love (White elephant sessions)
My winamp has been possessed by an angel of God.
Or a devil with a sadistic streak.
Help us all.
Moving on.
I still have this crush on this girl, knowing full well she and i will never have a hope or a chance in any lifetime. Her being her and me being me.
Viet girl and I still do this odd dance where I'm not sure what the hell she is doing. Yeah she's nice and sweet and utterly sadistic; but we have difficulty communicating. Repeated sentences and half-finished thoughts. Otherwise, the truth is, I'm not interested in her as anything other than a friend.
Life moves on.
But i still have feelings for Kris.
This is my blog.
This will be one of the few whingfest. Enjoy.
Tomorrow, it's back to headachy english, bombastic vocabulary and stylistic use of grammar
enjoy
Carthasis.
Playing on winamp now: Stan Getz - Life Latin Instrumentation Experiment.
My cue to sign off.
::: posted by whatever at 8:36 AM
Thursday, November 27, 2003 :::
You ain't got a freakin' clue
like all the goody 2 shoe
about the luminosity
of lyrical animosity
Driven by rhythm and angst
hooded jackets and baggy pantz
mimicking white boy money sense
and you get dicks like fifty cents
They ain't living in the hired hole
or busting caps like a CIA mole
cos all they want is the respect o'sex
filling their wallets to the money max
::: posted by whatever at 3:30 AM
Tuesday, November 25, 2003 :::
Paying on winamp now: Radiohead - Paranoid Android (OK Computer)
It takes a really special skill to do completely nothing. I don't mean sleep, or even the simple act of stoning. No, to do completely nothing is to sit there, with all this plans and wannabes fighting for attention space, jostling in your brain pan, dreams and desires materializing out of ether and having your ambition jacked into a 40kW supply; and then do completely nothing about it.
It takes a really special skill to pull that off and still feel all quaint about it after that.
Right?
I'm rambling.
This is therapy, bear with me.
Playing on winamp now: John Coltrane - My one and only love
That right there would be irony in the making.
Youth is wasted on the young, so says the jaded, cynical and bitter.
Maybe they're right.
But they're cynical jaded and bitter because they are all regretful of the things they never did or the things they should have done.
I'm repeating things every other individual should know by now.
Hurrah for personal revelation.
I'm rambling.
This is therapy, bear with me.
Playing on winamp now: R.E.M - Losing my Religion (Acoustic version)
So my player cycles to this song.
At this the risk of devolving into every other bloggy blog about whingers and their immaculate detail of their everyday life, I will begin to detail the day i have had since now.
I woke up.
I read the news.
I played the guitar.
I now write in this blog
By no means the sheer artistry of this guy
but
I'm rambling.
This is therapy, bear with me.
Playing on winamp now: The Pillows - Beautiful Morning (FLCL OST)
Everthing the japanese has subverted from the Americans they infuse with it their own weird sense of aesthetic.
The Pillows is the band that Fountain of Wayne wants to be, that Weezer almost is, and that every other punk rock band by the likes of Good Charlotte will never be.
Too bad i have no clue as to what they're singing about.
Time to go pick up Jap or something.
Or maybe go live there for a while. There's a a wealth of cultural nuances and idiosuncracies that can be explored by us gaijin. Even more than those commercialised sold to mass-market media those Jap drams contain, or even every other Anime. The underpinings of their culture is just. that. deep. Their ideas of colour, art, style, hmmm.
Too bad about that economy.
Playing on winamp now: Enya - Only if (Paint the sky with stars
My grandfather didn't step on that ant, World war II would have been averted. Flying cars would have been invented in 1984, and the cure for cancer in 1993.
Useless mindcharts digressing on regreful topics that maketh not with the senses.
I'm rambling
This is therapy; bear with me
Playing on winamp now: Lifehouse - Simon (No name face
Therapy: Healing power or quality
Ramble: To speak or write at length and with many digressions.
Therapy for what?
Absolutely nothing.
Like i said, it takes a skill to absolutely nothing of value, not even playing computer games reaches this level of self-involvement.
So i'm not doing this for therapy.
I just don't want to study.
I'm rambling; bear with me
::: posted by whatever at 8:57 PM
